Stiles & Lydia – Doin' the Sexy Sex Stuff
by LoveCas98
Summary: It's Stiles and Lydia's first time. Stiles is oh-so-nervous, but fortunately Lydia is there to guide him along the way. Spoiler alert! They have a bunch of what they call sex! Humor/Parody/Crack.


Lydia took Stiles by the hand and led him into the hotel room she had rented for the night. Stiles was so nervous. He knew what Lydia had in mind for them, but was Stiles really ready? He had never actually had sex before – all he ever did with Malia was butt stuff and that didn't count. With Lydia it would be different. He would finally pop his cherry and would no longer be the one true virgin spoken of in the ancient prophecies. Stiles was so nervous he didn't even feel it when his boner bumped into the door. Nope, never mind… He really felt it! Stiles grabbed his crotch and collapsed to the ground. Lydia knelt down beside him and lifted his face to hers.

"Let me take care of that for you," she whispered. Her hands slowly drifted down to his waistline. She slipped her fingers deep into his pants. Stiles closed his eyes as he felt her warm, gentle touch. A smile crept up Lydia's face, pleased with how excited she could make her man. Without missing a beat, Lydia grabbed Stiles' cell phone out of his pocket and quickly dialed 911. "Hello, police?" she said. "My boyfriend broke his penis!" An ambulance rushed to the hotel and darted Stiles to the hospital where he had emergency penis surgery. It wasn't until after they were done operating that they realized it was just a little bruise that could have been helped by putting ice on it. But the doctors had already done their work and wanted their money so they didn't tell anybody. After six months of intensive penile rehabilitation, Stiles and Lydia were back in the hotel room.

"Excuse me while I go put on something more comfortable," Stiles said as he slipped into the bathroom. Moments later he emerged in a dainty little negligée, so transparent that Lydia could see not one, but both his nipples! Lydia was so turned on that she started touching herself. Stiles stared intently at this sexy display. He couldn't believe Lydia was putting on such a show for him! Stiles bit his bottom lip as he seductively watched Lydia keep rubbing her belly. Then all of a sudden she started patting her head at the same time! Woah! Stiles was ready to explode! He probably shouldn't have eaten all that dynamite earlier today, but whatever.

"You like what you see?" Lydia asked.

"I do," Stiles replied. "Very much… I wished I could just stare at this forever."

"Me, too," Lydia said. The hotel room artwork was very beautiful. Stiles and Lydia admired the brushstrokes together. They admired it so hard. Stiles, the sexy beast that he was, began to move his hand towards Lydia's backside. Slowly, he inched towards her until he grabbed her butt. It was so soft and fluffy. Stiles especially liked the texture of the fabric and the edges were so sharp. That's when Stiles realized he missed her butt and was actually touching the corner of the bed. But he didn't care. It was so hot and he didn't want to stop.

Lydia walked over to Stiles and began to lay her hand upon his cheek. Stiles closed his eyes and got really scared because it was so dark and he almost started crying but he didn't because he's a big boy now. He felt as Lydia's hand glided across his skin ever so gently. Her fingers moved up his cheek and through his thick, messy hair, then down his face and across his eyes and then she stuck her thumb up his nose a little and he felt her finger going into his ear and then he felt another one in his mouth and he really hoped it wasn't the same one that just went in his nose because that's where he hides all his boogers so no one will find them.

"Kiss me, Stiles!" Lydia said passionately as she pulled his mouth to hers. Their faces drew together and their noses bumped and they both said "Sorry," and then they tried tilting their heads, but they both tilted them the same way so they tried again but then they both tilted them the opposite way at the same time and then their noses bumped into each other again and Lydia said, "Oops," and Stiles said, "Sorry," and they tried again but the angle was still awkward. Consumed by passion, Lydia grabbed Stiles by the head and pressed her lips to his. The side of Stiles' head started bleeding because Lydia was digging her banshee claws so deep into his skull but he didn't mind because it was just love blood.

Lydia stepped away from Stiles with a naughty smile on her face. Her hands reached up to her chest and she started to unbutton the Snuggie she'd been trapped in for months because the zipper broke. But now, with the power of love, she was finally able to remove it and show Stiles what was… underneath. Oh, no! Underneath was another Snuggie! She completely forgot about that one. But underneath that was a very sexy lingerie thing. It was black and white and red all over, just like a nun falling down the stairs. Lydia heard a very distinct BOING! "What was that?" she asked. Stiles didn't answer. He didn't want her to know she had given him a boner – he'd be so embarrassed! But there was no hiding it since Stiles had such a huge wang. Lydia stared intently at the tent in his pants. Imagining what his schlong looked like in real life made Lydia's front butt all tingly. Lydia couldn't help it anymore. She needed him now.

Lydia began to pull down Stiles' pants. Three minutes later, she still hadn't reached the tip of his massive dong. She had passed his knees three times already and her arms were getting tired. She looked up and asked Stiles, "How long is this hot thang?" Stiles shouted down from the rooftops, "IIIIIIIII dooooooon't knooooooooow!"

The next day Lydia finally got his pants off and threw him down on the bed. She ripped off her shirt and got really upset because that was her favorite shirt. But she buried those feelings deep down inside her, never to visit them again until they got so big that they overcome her and she goes crazy and kills everyone. But she didn't have to worry about that for at least another 6 or 7 minutes. She jumped on top of Stiles, pinned his arms to the bed and screamed, "I'm going to do so many things to you."

Stiles looked confused. "What kind of things?" he asked.

"Sex things," Lydia replied, sexily.

"Oh," Stiles replied. Now he understood.

Lydia began to kiss Stiles everywhere on his face – on his cheeks, on his lips, on his cheeks again, on his lips again. There aren't that many kissable places on the face, guys. Come on, gimme a break. Then she kissed the tip of his nose and then nibbled on his ears because I forgot those parts. Then they took a break because they wanted to eat sandwiches. But after the sandwiches, woah. They had so much sex.

Stiles and Lydia did all the hot sexy positions. They did girl on top, girl on bottom, girl on the side, girl on the floor, girl on the ceiling, girl doing a handstand, standing, sitting, kneeling, standing on one leg, standing on three legs, doggy style, doggy Stiles, kitty style, tiger style, casual style, chic style. They did the Cleveland Steamer, the Brooklyn cleaner, the Denver Bronco, the New York Giant, the San Francisco 49'er, the 69'er, the 58'er. They tried cowgirl, batgirl, Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Rogue, Storm, Cyclops, reverse Wolverine, and backwards Thor. They also did butt stuff.

Stiles was spent. He never wanted to have sex again. He turned to Lydia and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" because he was still really horny. Lydia pulled herself out from the hole they made in the bed and said, "I think I ran out of orgasms. But there is one more position I'd like to try…" Lydia smiled at Stiles like only she could – by twisting her lips in random contortions that didn't seem possible. Lydia cuddled up next to Stiles as he put his arms around her. They held each other close and whispered sweet nothings in each other's ears. Stiles got less excited as he realized the "position" she wanted to try was cuddling. But he was okay with it because guys love to cuddle. They love it so much. Really. Stiles was so happy and didn't want to put his penis in anything right now. Stiles and Lydia held each other close as the full moon bloomed. In the distance they heard packs of Teen Wolves transforming and mauling innocent victims. Stiles giggled as Lydia's hair tickled his nose. There was a rustle in the bushes outside as Derek lurked away, a solitary tear dripping from his eye. Stiles snapped a picture of Lydia and texted it to Scott since he was so lonely since Kira left and spent all his free time alone in his room masturbating. Unfortunately, Stiles wasn't so good with the camera and instead sent Scott a picture of his dingle. Derek was so jealous he turned to a wolf and went away forever.

"What are you thinking about?" Lydia asked.

Stiles looked deep in her eyes. "You," he replied.

"Fuckin' A," she whispered back. Then they gave each other the greatest high five the world had ever seen.


End file.
